This OCD thing really sucks sometimes. I have been having panic attacks like crazy lately. My mind is all consumed with death. I have them at night most of the time and a couple of times lately have woken up in sheer panic. A local girl went missing a couple of weeks ago and then was found dead.... I also read this. Why I read it, I don't know. It has been haunting me the last few days. There is just so much darkness in this world it is just too much for me to handle. I have been having to do some rituals lately, the worse my intrusive thoughts get the more rituals I have (checking for my keys 3 times after getting out of my car, checking to make sure I turned my hair straightener off, grinding my teeth in a certain pattern). Something has to change and soon in my life, I can't keep living like this, with a panic attack around every corner and stress makes it worse.
What is my biggest stress right now? Ayla is almost one, and I really need to wean her off the breast. It makes me incredibly sad, but I have to get back on my regular meds. I haven't been able to take one of medications since becoming pregnant and then breastfeeding. I have only been taking half of my regular dose of my other medication. It's just not cutting it and hasn't been for awhile. I really wanted to breastfeed Ayla for a year though, so I have pushed through. I honestly shouldn't have really pushed it this long, but I was determined and now, I only have 3 days left and I hit a year. I made it a year and I am very proud of myself, but also extremely sad and heartbroken. It's our special thing. It's stressful but necessary. I wouldn't get so stressed and panicky if I was taking my meds like I need to be. I'm ready to start feeling better, but I feel guilty for not being able to let Ayla just self wean when she wants. Oh, the life of a Mom.
So, I pray that I can wean and it's not so bad. I pray that I find some contentment with death and dying one day. I can't help but think that maybe I have it all wrong and we just die. Nothing happens, we lived, we died, nothing else... Terrifying. Ugh! OCD fucking sucks.
I realize that this post is kind of all over the place, I just had to get it out. I want my blog to be a place where I can share my crazy, as well as my happiness. I have so much to be thankful for, but my life is not all sunshine and puppy licks. That's okay though, nobody's is.